How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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