Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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