I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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