omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
accomplished twins. life is a go
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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