So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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