You smell like stripper and shame
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
