Don't make out with my wife yet
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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