I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
