so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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