hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
