The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
