We got so high we made milksteak
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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