I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize