i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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