I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
