if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
