If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
