life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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