My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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