yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
