I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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