after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
