i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
