My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
