guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
