he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
