I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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