I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Randomize
