my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
