Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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