No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
