What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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