Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
