Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
