Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Fuck appropriateness.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
