I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
