I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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