His hands were made for my vagina.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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