And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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