can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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