Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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