My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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