I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
