So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
