I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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