His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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