i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
