Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
