The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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