don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just found puke in my bra..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize