This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
