remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
