In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
