The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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