If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
