I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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